Why I Believe Grief is a Unique Fingerprint
Everyone’s grief journey is different from another’s. As if your very own fingerprint, your experience with grief is uniquely yours – you do not need to compare. This is exactly what author and columnist Rebecca Faye Smith Galli believes in as someone who went through her own cascade of heartbreaks. Joining Irene Weinberg, she shares how she treated grief as a strange companion in her life after losing her teenage brother and her son, as well as being a mother to four children, including two with significant special needs. Becky also talks about her source of optimism and hope that allows her to continue moving forward despite the many challenges in her path.
IN THIS EPISODE, YOU’LL HEAR ABOUT THINGS LIKE:
- How the loss of her brother became the lens through which Becky has understood every loss since.
- How Becky coped with losing her brother, losing her son, navigating her daughter’s special needs, going through a divorce, and then facing sudden paralysis.
- Your journey through grief is as unique as your fingerprint.
- How Becky remains hopeful rather than bitter, and the real source of her optimism.
SOME QUESTIONS IRENE ASKS REBECCA:
- When you look at the full arc of your story, what helps you keep moving forward every day?
- If you could offer one essential piece of advice for someone going through hard times, what would it be?
- When life gets heavy, what helps you face difficult moments head on?
- What is your message about overcoming tragedy to find your inner resilience?
- If you could go back, knowing who you are now, would you change anything?
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Why I Believe Grief is a Unique Fingerprint
I hope this message finds each of you very well. I’m speaking from my studio in West Orange, New Jersey. I could not be more delighted to welcome Rebecca Faye Smith Galli known as Becky, whose life has been shaped by extraordinary loss and even more extraordinary resilience. Becky has faced the unimaginable losing her teenage brother, raising four children, including two with significant special needs. Saying goodbye to a son who passed after a degenerative illness, navigating the complexities of parenting a daughter with autism, enduring the end of her marriage and then just nine days later, becoming paralyzed from transverse myelitis.
Out of that cascade of heartbreak emerged a renewed sense of purpose and Becky’s grief became the spark for a writing career that now inspires thousands. Becky’s first column for the Baltimore Sun came out in 2000 written from the wheelchair that became her new vantage point on life. Since then, she’s published more than 400 columns, reflections and essays that explore family, grief, resilience, and the everyday courage it takes to keep moving forward.
Her memoir Rethinking Possible chronicles her journey through unimaginable change. Her newest book Morning Fuel offers daily inspiration to help read a start each day grounded, hopeful, and strong. Beyond her writing, Becky has been a fierce advocate for families navigating disability and chronic illness. She helped found pathfinders for autism, has served on multiple boards supporting individuals with disabilities and continues to champion communities that shape her old family story.
A Morehead Cain scholar and former IBM Golden Circle Award recipient, Becky brings both heart and sharp insight to everything she does. I’m looking forward to talking with Becky, who’s joining us from Lutherville, Maryland about how losing her brother, her first and most shattering heartbreak became the lens through which she understood every loss since.
We’ll explore the two guiding beliefs that have shaped every chapter of her life. Grief is a strange companion and your journey through grief is as unique as your fingerprint. Dig into the source of her optimism, learn the single best advice she offers anyone facing hard times and more for an uplifting, perspective shifting and honest conversation about what becomes possible after life breaks us open. Becky, a warm heartfelt welcome to the show.
Irene, it’s very nice to have me here and be with you. Thank you so much for having me.
How To Keep Moving Forward Every Day
It’s my pleasure. You’re amazing. I have to honestly say. Researching the interview, what you’ve been through and how you’ve gotten through it, your attitude is mind blowing and so uplifting. I know you have a lot to share with everyone tuning in. Let’s start with the unimaginable. Tell us about how you’ve endured losing your brother, your son, navigating your daughter’s needs, going through a divorce and then facing sudden paralysis. When you look at the full arc of your story, how do you keep moving forward every day?
It’s a very good question and I must admit there’s some days that are easier than others and some days that are difficult. I’ve found that if you break things down into small units and just focus on the next thing to do. That’s helpful. In general, I try to make sure I have things to look forward to in my life and people that I enjoy being around me. It’s very important to be honest about how you feel. If you wake up now and it’s not a great day, be very honest about that.
Be honest about how you feel. If you wake up and feel it is not going to be a great day, be very honest about it. Share on X
You can say to people, “I’m not at my best now.”
My sister and I talk almost every day. We have a code like, “How are you?” “I’m okay.” If okay means one thing, fine means another and great means something. You have a check-in with yourself or someone else to be honest about how things are going and take it from there. Do what you need to keep moving.
It’s amazing to me. You’ve said your brother’s death became the foundation for understanding every loss that followed. Could you share the core lessons from that first grief experience that have shaped how you navigated all these amazing things that can happen afterwards with you?
I don’t think I realized the foundation that I had set for that until I wrote my first book, the memoir and had to look back at how close our family was before my brother’s death. He was 17 years old and I was 20 years old. My sister was sixteen years old. He was that kid. The kid that was president of the student council association. He had great plans to be a lawyer. He was a musician and an athlete. All the things. All the plans. He was in a water skiing accident. He wasn’t looking where he was going. He got hit and died nine days later.
It was a shock for our family. In many ways, we shattered. As I look back, we each handled our grief very differently. My father was a minister and could very publicly share his pain. He eventually became a noted lecturer on grief. My mom was much more private and found solace in support groups for parents who had lost children. I was in college and my girlfriends helped move me along. I relied on them to keep me moving. My sister was only seventeen months younger than my brother. It was a community loss for her. The whole community grieves the loss of my brother and she wanted to be with him.
My parents had to get her special support for that to help her move through her grief. We shattered. We all managed our grief differently and that was okay. We had different ways. We got through it and we kept moving. If one of us was stuck like my sister was, in a thought that was not healthy. It’s important to get support for that. That’s where your grief is unique as your fingerprint came from. As well as your valley is your valley. That’s something I’ll learn later on. Everybody handles grief differently and some people can get through it a lot faster than others. You wonder, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t go that quickly?” Give yourself grace. You’re at the pace you need to be as long as you’re moving.
It’s so true. You often say grief is a strange companion.
That one is just because it hits you so differently and unpredictably. You can be in a certain environment and a certain smell or a certain scene evokes this grief that comes on you strongly. I used to be like, “I’m going to cry again because I saw a butterfly.” It reminds me of my brother and that whole lost thing. After a time, I learned to respect it and give it a place in my life. You grieve deeply because you’ve loved deeply.
If that grief comes in, welcome it like, “You can have this part of my life. Sit right here for a little bit and I’ll remember the things.” I try to remember it with love being greater than the loss. The loss is what pulls me down but remembering the good things about that experience and before the loss. It’s a strange companion but one that I’ve learned to respect and welcome in its own way as a reminder that I love my brother.
Loss pulls you down. Try to remember the good things that happened before the loss. Share on X
If you close the door on that grief, would you agree? That’s going to pop up in other ways in your life. That’s going to be unresolved emotions. Better to help yourself to move forward through that but a lot of times, we need help and support.
The images I have of my dad said, “You can put things on a peg where you don’t have to have them in the center of your life. You can put them on a peg.” I expanded it a little bit. I have shelves in my life where I’m thinking about my brother or my son or my mom or my paralysis. These different losses have places up there where I put them gently with love and respect. When they come to visit me, I move through them but I try to give them time limits.
How long?
An hour or whatever and put it back on this shelf gently and know that they’re just part of who I am. They’re not compartments with locks and keys. They’re on open shelves.
I like that. Your father who was this pastor, who you love so much and you quote often. Is there a particular saying of his that you return to most of the time?
I love when he says, “Don’t cut what you can unravel.” That gives you patience to take a breath here. Before I make a quick decision, think it through. Give it time to unfold as it should. That one I really like a lot.
You can put things on a peg where you do not have to place them in the center of your life. Share on X
I also want to know. I know you have your ups and downs and ins and outs. Despite everything you’ve lived through, what would you say one thing is the source of your optimism?
It has to go back. I was raised in a family of faith. I made my profession of faith when I was six years old. As I say off, I’ve been in a relationship with God since I was six years old but not always on speaking terms. There have been times I’ve been so angry that I couldn’t. I shut down and I would have to rely on others whose faith was stronger. Belief was stronger. That got me through times where I was struggling.
I also think that anger is one of those things we don’t talk about that much. After loss, there’s usually some anger. To be honest, I was angry at my brother that he wasn’t looking where he was going. I’m more angry that he left me to miss him for the rest of my life. Very self-centered thing, but if you’re honest about it, then you can deal with it. It doesn’t pop up in other ways that you don’t mean for it to be.
A lot of times, that anger also sprints from a sense of what you said, abandonment. You feel like the person has left you behind. I remember crying like crazy. Feeling that way with my husband. It’s very natural. When life gets heavy, what helps you face those difficult moments? Is it your sense of community? If you could offer one essential piece of advice for someone going through hard times and I would bet anything that there are people reading this who are going through very hard times. What would your advice be to them?
My first advice is always be honest about how you’re feeling and your capacity to deal with it. The second piece of that is, who is in your boat? Who are your resources to help you get through either emotionally how you’re feeling about something or your capacity to deal with it or experts that can help you move through it. Every time that we experience a loss or a challenge, those two things, how do I feel about it and what’s my capacity to deal with it? Also, who are your resources that you’re putting together to help you move through it are critical?
Those are the two pieces. The other is to keep moving. Don’t isolate yourself. Make sure that you have some motion in your life, even if it’s treading water. If you’re treading, you’re still moving. You might be processing things. There’s a difference between restoration time and isolation time. You have to be very mindful of that because isolation isn’t good. You can spiral down quickly. With restoration, you’re still treading water. You’re still nurturing yourself to get to a healthier place.
Breaking Down The Milkshake Method
That’s great advice. I want to talk to you now about your new book, Morning Fuel, which offers daily inspiration. Now, everyone knows how inspiring Becky is. Her new book Morning Fuel offers inspiration. Why do you believe starting the day fueled is so important? How did you choose the stories and course for the book? Do you have an entry that’s especially meaningful for you?
The Morning Fuel came about because when I wrote my memoir Rethinking Possible, I got a lot of that question, how do you keep going? What tips or techniques do you have for keeping going? It’s my practice every morning to read some daily readers. I have about six or seven. I choose from. Those little stories jump start my mind in the morning. I thought, why don’t I write what I read?
I had many columns that I had already written. My dad was a columnist as well. I selected some of these columns and then added others. The framework that I used was, do these stories either inspire, encourage or make you think? That’s the lens I looked through when I selected these stories. At the end, I offer a couple reflection questions so that you can think more of how to apply the theme of that story to what’s going on with you.
You start the morning with inspiration.
I do. I try to do it every day.
Is there a particular entry you’d like to read us? It’s very inspiring.
Thank you. This one’s called the milkshake method. “It was 9:15 on a Saturday night. I knew if I wanted to talk to Mom and Dad, I needed to make my call right then or I would not make their bedtime curfew. Mom answered the phone on the first ring. Dad then joined in the conversation. They asked about my dinner party that was in progress. ‘How’s so and so?’ They asked. ‘Tell her I said hello.’ They love plugging into my world. ‘How was your ice cream, Dad?’ Inquired next. During their last visit, I had purchased an ice cream maker and we had made some delicious ice cream together.”
“I began, ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but it has been turning for three and a half hours and it’s still soup.’ Without skipping a beat, he said, ‘You can always serve milkshakes.’” I had to laugh and shake my head. Milkshakes indeed. He didn’t ask if I had used enough ice. He didn’t ask if I had changed the recipe or I had used the right rock salt. He just made a helpful suggestion on how to use what I had to its best advantage.
That was his gift, to see the possibilities. To assess right then and there, whatever was at hand, whether an issue or a person. Even though a critique may be in order, moving forward with the constructive approach was always dad’s lead. Seek the possibilities within the parameters of the present. Dad taught us with his milkshake method of looking at life. The question is, how about you? How could you use the milkshake method in dealing with a disappointing situation?
That’s beautiful. I love that. Your father sounds wonderful. That was inspiring.
He was great. Part of my foundation, they were very positive people. It’s natural for me, which I’m very grateful for.
Why You Must Refine What You Believe
What a blessing for all that you’ve been through. That positivity that was implanted in you early on has gotten you through a lot. It’s amazing. This is a perfect time to ask you. Do you have a message to pass on to readers who are dealing with tragedy to help them overcome and to find the inner resilience that resides in them?
At some level, we have to refine what we believe. For me, I believe life can be good no matter what. The operative word in that is can. It can be good no matter what. Not, it is good. Can implies work. You have to commit yourself to, “I want life to be good. What can I do to make sure that I’m moving in that direction?” I had little technique even though, blank. I’m paralyzed. I can still write. Even though I still can. That jumps starts yourself into a positive frame of mind.
Sometimes, when I’m making my gratitude list every day, it’s hard to think about big things that I’m grateful for when so many bad things are pressing in. I make it small and look for things that are better. What was better about today than yesterday? Usually, you can find at least one or two things that are at least better.
Take in things small and look for things that are better today than yesterday. Share on X
I hear that you’re reaching for self-love instead of self-pity.
That’s a good point.
It’s not that you’re not going through a lot but your mindset is, “In respecting and loving myself, with all that I’m going through, why do I need to put more on myself? I’m going through a great deal. How can I reach to find that silver lining around something and all of that?” Other people go to the pity pot and they stay there forever. You’re like, “I don’t like the atmosphere in that pot. I’m getting out there. I’m pulling myself out of that boiling water.” Also, you’ve written that there’s a quest to hope. What does that mean to you?
You have to be careful with hope. If you have unrealistic hopes, then you’re disappointed a lot. Hope needs to be grounded in reality. One of the things that a therapist told me when my son presented with seizures and I didn’t know what to hope for. Do I hope that he grows out of him? That was an option. Do I resign myself that he may not? She said, “Why don’t you pursue parallel paths?” I’m like, “What do you mean parallel paths?” She said, “On the hopeful path, you can think that he will grow out of them and envision life that way. Maybe work toward that goal and whatever that would mean for you practically. On the perhaps wrap reality path or the other path, he will not outgrow these seizures.”
You have to be careful with hope. If you have unrealistic hopes, you could be disappointed a lot. Share on X
I like that parallel path concept because it lets me move even in two directions but still, I was living. I wasn’t stuck. That’s where a lot of the pain comes in. It’s when you find yourself stuck with ambiguity and with uncertainty. You’re not sure. I’ve used it for myself. Was I going to walk again or not? There was, 33% don’t walk after transverse myelitis but the other 2/3 do in some way. They recover. I had two years of uncertainty about. I was patient with my marriage. Am I going to resolve it or not? It took me three years to get through that. These parallel paths kept me moving through very challenging times.
Holding Life Lightly Instead Of Tightly
Becky, if you could go back knowing who you are now with all that you’ve learned and all this wisdom you’ve accumulated. Would you change anything? What would you change?
I would hold life more lightly instead of so tightly. I was white-knuckling through every one of these. I couldn’t see clearly what was ahead. It was a lot of stress. It was a lot of understatement. To have more confidence that things are going to be okay. The older I get, the more evidence I have that it is going to be okay. I’ll look back on all these challenges and be like, “Can I do something new?” Look back at the evidence. Things that worked out are not necessarily the way I planned. That’s for darn sure, but they’ve worked out. Sometimes, our history of overcoming things can be a powerful foundation for confidence, for what’s ahead. Don’t be afraid to look back and focus on that. Major on that as you look forward.
Good advice. I know you have a special promo for our audience, which has such a value. Could you tell us about seven strategies? It’s seven strategies for staying up when life is pulling you down.
They’re simple. They’re very simple things. I won’t tell you all what they are so that you can sign up and get them. They’re just simple techniques that I use almost every day just to try to stay up. Staying up as hard. It can be hard work, but it’s so worth it.
How To Rethink What’s Possible
Becky, what is your message about the importance of healing that you’d like to share with everyone? Why should they all get off their duffs and heal their stuff is painful as that is?
The name of the first book was Rethinking Possible and I think when you break Rethinking Possible down, it is positive-driven. It is open to whatever life can be if you apply your skills to look for those possibilities. I would say that that’s the key thing and why it’s worth healing. There’s possibilities out there for you. You just have to take the time to discern those and to investigate those. Approach it as an adventure.
You don’t know. Our plans get sideways all the time. Why not try and create some new ones and see like the spaghetti thing on the refrigerator. Throw it up there. See what sticks. See what sparks joy for you. It could be very unexpected. I had no idea. I would be a writer. That was not in my plan at all, but it’s brought me such joy. More importantly, connection to others and that’s what brings me the most joy. It’s being able to connect with others and share life.
Would you say that when you heal, it gives you an ability to have more joy in your life?
We all have scars. That’s the part that they don’t disappear. These wounds don’t disappear, but it’s important to heal and heal in a healthy way so that we can continue to grow.
Discussion Wrap-up And Closing Words
This is a wonderful interview and I appreciate it, Becky. I want to read this inspiring quote from your new book, Morning Fuel, which is a wonderful, inspiring book for all of our readers to keep by their bedsides. “Every day, I try to give those things I love now an extra measure of attention. Letting them grow and root out any emptiness that I may feel. From the first step of my morning coffee, to the evening’s final snuggle, from my aging huggy trip, I am determined to cherish today’s loves a little more so that what’s tangible, present and available now can lift my spirits. Love what you love now.”
Becky, thank you so much for opening your heart and offering such an uplifting response to the profound question at the center of your life. What happens when loss after loss arrives and you still choose hope. Your story invites us to reconsider what’s possible when life changes forever and to see resilience in an entirely new light. Thank you for this perspective shifting, wise and deeply empowering conversation. From my heart, I wish you abundant blessings always.
Thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure to spend time with you.
Thank you, Becky. As I like to say, to be continued. Let’s send us to the cloud.
Guest’s Links:
- Rebecca Faye Smith Galli
- Rebecca Faye Smith Galli on LinkedIn
- Rebecca Faye Smith Galli on Facebook
- Rebecca Faye Smith Galli on Instagram
- Rethinking Possible: A Memoir of Resilience
- Morning Fuel: Daily Inspirations to Stretch Your Mind Before Starting Your Day
- Seven Strategies For Staying Up
About Rebecca Faye Smith Galli
Rebecca (Becky) Faye Smith Galli is an author and columnist who writes about love, loss, and healing. Surviving significant losses—her seventeen-year-old brother’s death; her son’s degenerative disease and subsequent death; her daughter’s autism; her divorce; and nine days later, her paralysis from transverse myelitis, a rare spinal cord inflammation that began as the flu—has fostered an unexpected but prolific writing career.
In 2000, The Baltimore Sun published her first column about playing soccer with her son—from the wheelchair that launched her From Where I Sit newspaper column. Her website (BeckyGalli.com) houses over 400 published columns. Her books, Rethinking Possible – A Memoir of Resilience (2017) and Morning Fuel – Daily Inspirations to Stretch Your Mind Before Starting Your Day (2024) reflect what she believes: “Life can be good—no matter what.”
She continues to write Thoughtful Thursdays—Lessons from a Resilient Heart, a column for her subscriber family that shares what’s inspired her to stay positive. A Morehead-Cain Scholar at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, she was formerly employed by IBM, where she was the recipient of the Golden Circle award for marketing excellence. Becky resides in Lutherville, Maryland, outside of Baltimore.
